reflections on independence

My brother and Trey

Me being me, of course I've been analyzing my life to death lately.....I feel like I'm in a sort of emotional/physical purgatory -- neither here nor there, just sort of existing. It's a very disconcerting place to be. It's a constant effort not to stagnate at the bottom, you know? Right now, what seems to work is frequently reminding myself to take things one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I just have this moment. I don't have to solve my life's problems or have my new life plan by tomorrow. It will be okay. Another thing that helps is talking to my nephew, and getting pictures of him from my family on my cell phone. He brings such a joy to my life; one that is unmatched. I also find it helps to focus on my gratitude for what I have in my life. It's hard to feel hopeless or down when you're filled with gratitude. 

I applied for a job that has nothing to do with cancer....it's more education/counseling. They wanted someone with a Master's in counseling, public health, student affairs, etc - and, oh, I happen to have two. So I applied. Sometimes I find myself wondering if, despite my fascination and love for oncology, I am able to do it. The emotional component is a large part of what drives me to do this work, but at the same time, that emotional part threatens to overtake me, because of the anger and (at times) feelings of desperation and hopelessness. Most of the time I can channel these into something productive, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen. And I do miss the counseling relationships I used to have. There's something very humbling about being allowed into someone's emotional life. You're in that shared space, and sometimes the lines are blurred, and the learning and healing goes both ways.

I'm reading these books, "Tweak", by Nic Sheff, and "Beautiful Boy", by David Sheff, his father. The two books chronicle Nic's drug addiction and recovery process, told from two very, very different viewpoints. And I got to thinking about my brother. My brother struggled with addiction when he was in high school, and has been clean and sober for over 7 years. I am so incredibly proud of him. He bought a house, he has a job, he is an attentive and loving father to his son, and he really has made a life for himself. School never came easy to him, and he's had to work pretty hard for everything he has. He literally hit bottom, and has journeyed so far from where he was years ago. Has it been an easy, smooth path? No; it never is. He hurt and lied to every single person in the family during his using. He was belligerant and volatile and hell-bent on self-destruction. But with a lot of work, rehab, NA meetings, a sponsor.....he did it. And I don't often tell my brother how proud I am of how far he's come, but today I did just that. I called him and told him so.