How did I get here......again? My friend M was over tonight for dinner, and we were talking about what our fellow graduates were doing, and she mentioned that C, one of our classmates, mentioned something about a post-bac premed program, which was weird, because he has NEVER, ever, mentioned any interest in medicine. Ever. It's just so.....not him. But I looked at the program, UNCG (greensboro), and damn - I want to go. It's like an hour or so away (I think), and you can finish the program in 12 months, and then take MCATs and apply to med school. It's like....when I finished my MS in clinical health psych, I took a year off to work and figure out what I wanted, because I seriously was considering Bryn Mawr's or Penn's post-bac program. And at the time, I thought I was "too old" and decided to go into public health. But here I am, 3 years later, at the same place. I love medicine. I love oncology. I was talking to my friend E, who is finishing up his internship and then starting a surgery residency, and he doesn't feel so passionately about medicine. He likes it, but doesn't LOVE it. That's unthinkable to me. And yet here I am, reading medical books FOR FUN. On my own. I devour medical books like they're the latest issue of Vogue. (Although I read that, too). Why have I been resisting this so much? What am I so afraid of? This semester - this YEAR - my favorite class was my peds pharmacotherapy class. And I got an H. Not bad for someone who's not even in the pharmacy school. Pharmacy is HARD - and I got an H. Because I absolutely loved studying. I am a huge geek, I admit it. So why am I not pursuing this? Why did I think public health would be a panacea for this? Why did I think getting my MPH would be "just as good"? Why did I see it as a substitute for an MD?
So here I am, 7 years after graduating with my BA in psychology, 2 Master's degrees later, and feeling like I've wasted my life since undergrad. Every job I want to apply for, you need a PhD or MD. Every time I go into a hospital, I look at the doctors enviously. Hell, I am even envious of the interns, getting pimped by their attendings and running on no sleep. I read med school memoirs when I'm not reading medical books. Why the hell have I not pursued this? Is the fear really that big????? (or am I so afraid of the debt?)
All I know is this: right now, I'm not sure I've ever been so adrift in my life.
5 comments:
There are many many jobs for people in the health field with a masters or two. You are not wasting your time or your life. If you keep searching for happiness outside of yourself, it will elude you. If you keep being envious you will never have the peace and satisfaction you so need. Try to find something, somewhere where you can help people and use what you know and have learned. Do not be adrift. There is always safe harbor up ahead. MM
Girl you have to go for it!!! You have the passion!
Mom, honestly, the jobs I want, require an MD or PhD. I should have done the post-bac 2 years ago. Wanting to be a physician isn't going away. Instead, there's a chasm of nothing where fulfillment should be. Right now, I see no safe harbor.love you.
And thanks, Ned!
please refer to my comment from your post on November 11, 2008.... it is still relevant!
I have been wrong before and I will probably continue to be wrong in my ponderings. Go for it. I love you too....MM
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