me, stressed? never......

I have been waking up in sweats nearly every single morning since before graduation. Of course, my first thought, being an oncology person is, oh G-d it's lymphoma. But I have no lymph nodes of questionable nature, and though I am fatigued as all hell, that's pretty much par for the course. So it leads me to think I am more anxious than I realize. I also have dreams where I dream I forgot to return library books I used for my thesis and they won't let me graduate, or I messed up something or other and I won't graduate. Classic anxiety. But graduation is over, so why am I still dreaming it? 

I have a phone interview with ASCO tomorrow, and an informal in-person interview at UNC on friday. Keep your fingers crossed....I'd really love to stay here, but I have to see where life takes me, I guess. It's all so...ambiguous, my future right now. And I hate that. I like plans, organized little boxes and instructions. I don't like panicking about money or jobs or a place to live and rent and food. 

Some friends and I were talking, and many of us have taken to having a glass or two of wine in the evenings. A nightcap, courtesy of MCH, if you will. It reminds me of when I lived in FL, my roommate E would have a glass of wine at night on the days when she had her practicum. I didn't understand it until I was at Columbia for social work - my roommate, O, and I would have glasses of wine while we wrote up our progress/session notes on days we had practicum. Wednesday nights were wine and Chinese food nights, and the people at the wine store across the street knew us. Maybe not the best situation, but after interning in the areas I did, I understood E's glass of wine. I found an awesome pinot grigio, Middle Sister wines. It's just such cute packaging, and it's really smooth. For those of you who are red wine drinkers, they also have a merlot. 

I sort of feel like Carrie, from "Sex and the City", when she wants to buy her apartment that's going co-op and doesn't have the money, but realizes she has $40,000 worth of Manolos in her closet. There's a point where she wonders if she will become homeless and she wails, I will literally BE the old woman who lived in her shoes! That's sort of how I feel. I will LITERALLY be a bag lady. I'll carry all my belongings in my Marc by Marc Jacobs bag and my Vineyard Vines tote and scrounge together coins for a bagel. G-d forbid. 

If this is what being an "adult" is like, I don't think I like it very much.