playing dress-up

Has anyone else read about Elizabeth Edwards not wearing her wedding ring and the rumors that John has moved out and they're separated? My thought is, good for her!! You go, girl. 

October is coming to a close, and just in time, because I don't think I can take much more pink. I can honestly say I am over all the pink-ness and hollow promises of funding breast cancer research......and then when the month is over, it's all forgotten. Or not, but most other cancers are ignored. 

I was going to be a Stepford Wife for Halloween, dressed in tennis whites, a headband, tennis shoes, and an obnoxious engagement/wedding band combo. But tonight, I was like, do I really want to be in a tennis skirt in the cold weather? And now I'm contemplating being.........a doctor. Original, right? I have Carolina blue scrubs, and I can wear my MSKCC shirt, my stethoscope from work, and my MSKCC ID chain with my old HUP ID card. At least I'd be comfortable! 

But this brings me to another thought.....and I know I should really stop thinking about this. I made a choice, and I can't go back. In many ways, I'm sick of playing dress-up with medicine. I just want to be a damn doctor. An oncologist. A pediatric oncologist. This drive doesn't ever seem to go away, no matter how unrealistic it might be. I know it's not a reality - the cost would be prohibitive and I'd be nearly 40 - if not in my early 40s - by the time I'd be done residency/fellowship. But I made a choice 2 years ago to go into public health instead of medicine, and I did so for a reason, after a discussion with Jonel while preparing dinner together. It's just really hard to keep quieting that little voice, especially now, with my grandmother - yeah, it knocked me on my butt and stunned the heck out of me, but one of the first things I did was go to the library and get books on breast cancer, to hopefully learn more info, and help my family in the ways that I could. And if I were up North, I'd be talking to her surgeon myself. I feel useful when I do stuff like that - my instinct is to fix things, make everything okay - and while I know I can make a difference in oncology through public health, there's that background noise that wonders about being an oncologist. 

Nalgenes and Nordstrom

Walking through the School of Public Health's atrium this morning, I remembered one of the things I loved about UNC - everyone was so different from up North in the sense that they just seemed more relaxed, more....outdoorsy. And for the most part, that's true. In undergrad, no one wore sweats to class unless they were Abercrombie - and even then, it was usually on a friday, after a night of partying at the frats. It wasn't unusual for people to get dressed for class. And I mean, DRESSED. I never really thought anything of it. But here, it's Patagonia instead of Prada, North Face instead of Neiman Marcus, and Chacos instead of Jimmy Choos. And it's so refreshing. I'm aware that many people's undergrad experiences aren't like mine. I went to a very small, private, homogenous Northeastern college.....but I loved every minute of it. So while I love wearing jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers to class, I do sometimes wish my classmates loved fashion and shopping as much as I do. I get excited about sales at Nordstrom, they get excited about sales at REI. And I love REI, don't get me wrong - but I wish people knew who I was talking about when I mention Luella Bartley and Marc Jacobs. 

I'm usually a casual girl - I never wear heels, and my usual uniform involves jeans. But I do love my bags and shoes. I love reading fashion magazines and getting ideas for outfits, etc. So it's interesting that sometimes I wish NC were more like NY in that way. 

close to home

I haven't blogged in the past week partly from shock, exhaustion, and general malaise and busyness. My grandmother was nice enough to allow me to write about this, so here goes. On Tuesday, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had gone for a fine needle aspiration on Friday, and from how she described it, I pretty much knew then that the results wouldn't be so good. But it's a whole other experience actually hearing the words, "It's cancerous." And as someone who works in the field, whose life centers around cancer, I didn't think I'd have the stunned reaction that I did, but life is funny like that. It still doesn't seem quite real to me, but she's handling it very well, as is my grandfather. (In fact, they even read this blog!). She's going for a metastatic workup on Tuesday to see if it's spread anywhere else, and then meeting with her doctor tuesday afternoon to go from there. Right now we're in that grey area of not really knowing anything definitive that will guide treatment or give a prognosis. Funny, though I know all the statistics, for some reason I never actually thought they'd apply to my family - as if working in oncology gave me a certain protection or something.  

my NC state fair experience

Free tobacco samples at the NC state fair. Good times. 

So, I went to the NC state fair today with the family I nanny for, and had a pretty fun (if not amusing) time. I didn't go last year, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Chapel Hill is definitely not representative of the rest of the state. I went on a kid's ride with L, the little boy, which was fun. He was so excited - it made me remember when my family used to go to Hershey Park, King's Dominion, etc - kids find pleasure in the simplest of things, it's so refreshing. I saw some real live bears (behind glass). Some kids came in behind us, all dressed up in their hunting camoflage jackets, they couldn't have been more than 9 or 10, maybe 11. And one goes, "Look at the bears! I'm gonna get me some good eatin' right there!" And then proceeded to walk down the line, talking about how he wants to hunt the bears and eat them. Most little kids wave to the bears or say hi to them - this kid was telling them he wanted to eat them because they taste so good. Needless to say, I was horrified. Bears? To eat? ummm....I'm definitely not in Manhattan anymore. And then, of course, the tobacco stand, where people could get free tobacco samples to pack in their mouths. I wanted to get a fried twinkie, but the line was unbelievable. Yes, you read that right - there are things at the fair that are fried that should NEVER be fried. Like fried snickers bars and fried peanut butter cups. Fried Oreos. Fried apples. Fried dough. So I had a soft pretzel and a vanilla milkshake. Yum. And, of course, there was my brother's favorite, chicken on a stick (that huge turkey/chicken drumstick thing that people carry around like they're barbarians). The twins had a good time, L had a good time, and overall it was a really good day. I'm exhausted, though.

You don't know Jack.

When I went to the LiveStrong Summit this past summer, one of my facilitators was a woman who had a child with cancer, and she told us about this YouTube video they had made of her son Jack. They had shirts made that said "I know Jack", and so forth. I just watched the video today....and thought I'd post it. He is adorable, and this message is so important to hear. 

aiming high

These logos have been part of my life for months now. I wanted to be finished with the applications by now, but no such luck. It gets expensive, getting official copies of GRE scores, transcripts, application fees......the programs are all funded programs, which is great....but that also makes them that much more competitive. I know which programs are my top programs, but I also don't want to jinx this. All of them have amazing programs that I love....which makes it hard. Hopefully I will get in somewhere. 

fall break

It is Fall Break (yes, we actually get a fall break) thursday and friday, which means I have ample time to finally do all my work. And go food shopping. And buy overpriced gas. 

So I got this book the other day, titled Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl, by Susan McCorkindale. Oh. My. Lord. Funniest book ever. It's a memoir of her moving from NY/NJ to the country, and though I'm in Chapel Hill, I can SO relate. Like, I get how saying "ma'am" is that Southern politeness, but I'm only 27! I am NOT a ma'am! And would it kill you to drive more than 30 miles an hour? Thankfully, in my neighborhood, it retains more of a Northern feel. There are more BMWs, Mini Coopers and SUV's in my neighborhood than there are broken-down pickup trucks, and no one's flying a Confederate flag or pasting NASCAR stickers on their cars. Although I cringe everytime I pass the organic co-op in my neighborhood and see the Land Rover with the back windshield and back windows plastered with stickers - of bands, Patagonia, "go organic", and the omnipresent "Coexist" sticker. I see all those stickers on such a nice car, and wonder why they did it. 

A few of my friends are going camping this weekend - like, hard-core camping, and I just could not do it. I mean, I used my North Face hiking pack to bring my clothes to the wilds of Manhattan for the summer. Ever see the movie "Troop Beverly Hills"? Yeah. 

Chapel Hill, or Stepford?

It's nights like this that I realize how much of a Northerner I really am, and how different my summer experience was in Manhattan. I went to the Chapel Hill library to return some books (the community library, not the school one), and first of all, while a decent size, it's small. I must have waited in the checkout line for a good ten or eleven minutes because there was ONE worker behind the counter. And no one was complaining or acting like they had places to be. No one tried to cut in line, nothing. Meanwhile, I was DYING inside because all I wanted to do was check out my 3 books and go home! But it's kind of nice....I mean, looking around the library tonight, there were your crunchy families with moms who wear long skirts and Crocs (with no irony), your academic-looking types who were scatterbrained, kids paying back library fines all in coins - and then riding their bikes home. It never fails to strike me as somewhat surreal. It's nice, don't get me wrong. It's just odd. 

not so fast, LabCorp

Back in September, I had blogged about a blood test called OvaSure, that claimed to detect ovarian cancer at its earliest stages - today, in the NYTimes, there's an article that talks about how LabCorp actually marketed this test WITHOUT FDA approval, and that the FDA actually wrote a letter to LabCorp, saying "it may harm the public's health". The Society of Gynecologic Oncologists did not approve of the test, either, saying it wasn't accurate. Interesting. 

the cutest kid EVER

what a stud

woooooooo!!!

kickin' back and relaxing

I am really missing my nephew - he will be 18 months in a week or so, and I cannot believe he's that old already. 18 months ago, I had no idea what to expect - and now, I can't imagine life without him. I look at pictures, and he is starting to look like my brother A LOT more. 

Here's some pics.