October is coming to a close, and just in time, because I don't think I can take much more pink. I can honestly say I am over all the pink-ness and hollow promises of funding breast cancer research......and then when the month is over, it's all forgotten. Or not, but most other cancers are ignored.
I was going to be a Stepford Wife for Halloween, dressed in tennis whites, a headband, tennis shoes, and an obnoxious engagement/wedding band combo. But tonight, I was like, do I really want to be in a tennis skirt in the cold weather? And now I'm contemplating being.........a doctor. Original, right? I have Carolina blue scrubs, and I can wear my MSKCC shirt, my stethoscope from work, and my MSKCC ID chain with my old HUP ID card. At least I'd be comfortable!
But this brings me to another thought.....and I know I should really stop thinking about this. I made a choice, and I can't go back. In many ways, I'm sick of playing dress-up with medicine. I just want to be a damn doctor. An oncologist. A pediatric oncologist. This drive doesn't ever seem to go away, no matter how unrealistic it might be. I know it's not a reality - the cost would be prohibitive and I'd be nearly 40 - if not in my early 40s - by the time I'd be done residency/fellowship. But I made a choice 2 years ago to go into public health instead of medicine, and I did so for a reason, after a discussion with Jonel while preparing dinner together. It's just really hard to keep quieting that little voice, especially now, with my grandmother - yeah, it knocked me on my butt and stunned the heck out of me, but one of the first things I did was go to the library and get books on breast cancer, to hopefully learn more info, and help my family in the ways that I could. And if I were up North, I'd be talking to her surgeon myself. I feel useful when I do stuff like that - my instinct is to fix things, make everything okay - and while I know I can make a difference in oncology through public health, there's that background noise that wonders about being an oncologist.
4 comments:
Amen sister on the Edwards and pink things going away for another year. Good luck with the little voice about playing doctor - I keep hearing mine and now I am applying for PhD programs. I guess in my mind I would have rather tried than not try at all. But, I know how hard it is at this point to stop and change directions. It's really unfair that you essentially have to make up your mind at 18 about what you want to be in life!
I have very few real life heroes, but two of my heroes happen to be physicians-- and one is a pediatric oncologist. I think that it takes a rare person with special gifts of emotional strength and compassion along with the necessary intellectual ability and training, to effectively lead in the battle against cancer. Jaime, I see in you the potential to succeed no matter where your heart's interests may take you. God bless you and guide you along the way, and may you find peace in the life-decisions that you make.
you are making such a huge difference and are so dedicated, passionate about what you are doing now...
there are many different ways/roles/positions in which you can make a difference in the field you are passionate about...
whatever you choose, I know you will be successful.
peace, hope and love,
Lily
Honey, you cannot be caretaker to the entire world. I promised you life, I didn't promise you a life without disappointments, heartaches, and sickness. You can be the best public health person you want to be with your specialty in oncology. It takes a special kind of person to work in the field of oncology and I am proud to not only watch you become the person you are evolving into, I actually had a part in it.
I love you....
MM
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