surgery plans

So we finally have a plan for surgery. I met with the doctor and the rest of the orthopedic team on Thursday. By far, this will be the worst one yet. The fusion didn't take. So they will be shortening the second and third metatarsals and putting in screws in those bones, to hold them in place. They will also be removing all the hardware that is currently in my foot - a plate and 6 (broken) screws. Because there's an excellent chance of not having much bone left after that, I will give consent for them to take bone from my left hip. The other option is a cadaver bone - which we did last time and it didn't work. It is much more likely to take, if it is my own cells and bone. After that, he will re-do the fusion, putting in a larger plate and "as many screws as he can fit," as he said (somewhat jokingly…I hope). I will then have a cast (my first one EVER) for 2 months, and absolutely no weight-bearing for that long. Which is significantly different than my last 3 foot surgeries. He wants to make sure this works, and works well. After 2 months, I guess I graduate to a boot. So the recovery process is going to be loooooong. He was straight with me; he said it will be painful, both the foot and the hip, but I will be given analgesics, obviously.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Or upset. Or scared, a little. I know how bad the pain is with bunion surgeries. The last surgery was especially painful, and this one will be a lot worse. This will be challenging, to say the least.
The one bright spot is that at least I can work from home. I can write and edit anywhere I have an internet connection. That is the only bright spot right now.

white coat envy, again.

I went to the Strand last night to see Atul Gawande speak and read from his new book, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End. Simply put, he single-handedly reignited my white coat envy. I have read all of his books, and like Jerome Groopman, he is one of those physician-writers whom I love, the kind of doctor I had envisioned I would be one day. Needless to say, my life took some detours and my path ended up different. Gawande has his MD and MPH, and is so down-to-earth. I got to ask him a question during the Q and A, and asked about his thoughts on the Death With Dignity Act. He gave a thoughtful, thorough answer, looking at me, making eye contact, and talking to me like it was just the two of us, he was that focused. I could see why patients would love him.

One thing gave me pause, though. Someone asked how he balanced everything - being a top surgeon, a nationally known writer, a New Yorker staff writer, public health, etc. He looked down, and said, "If you want to make a difference in the world, or be really really really good at something, you have to accept that it's going to suck up an incredible amount of time." He went on to say that he "steals" time to write, to plan, to do things. He also said he's probably not always the best husband, and that he's probably a "B" father, not an "A" father. "For instance, I'm missing my daughter's recital right now," he said. I appreciated his candor, and felt both admiration and sadness. I was glad to see he wasn't promoting the idea that yes! you can have it all! Because the sad thing is, you can't. Especially if you're a woman, it feels like. But I was sad because his book is about dying. He talked about how you want to live. And I wondered if, on his deathbed, he'll wish that he spent more time on book tours and writing, or that he went to more of his children's recitals. Will he wish he had sacrificed some media exposure to be an "A" dad, especially when his children are young? That's for him to decide. And maybe he won't, maybe he will be completely satisfied with his life decisions. That's not for me to judge. I know how important a career - especially one you love and are passionate about - can be a huge part of someone's life, someone's identity. But then I also wondered what would have happened if a woman had said what he said. What if a female physician had said to a crowd that she sacrifices part of her motherhood for her career, that she knows she's a "B" mother? I think she would be excoriated. She would be raked over the coals, torn down as a mother, seen as "cold" or unwomanly, bitchy, or unnatural.
I was told today that Helen Gurley Brown did not mention motherhood at all in her book "Having it All." Just something to ponder.

I am so thankful that I got the chance to see Dr. Gawande. His book is smartly written, the parts that I've read, and his storytelling draws you in because of his way of writing directly to the reader.

So many good books lately. I've been on a Virginia Woolf kick, and I'm trying to read the "classics" that I missed (and somehow, I've missed A LOT of them. Like, an embarrassing amount). But I haven't had much time to read, between writing for several websites, tutoring, and working for a writing/editing company. Which is good, but still. I guess when I'm recovering from foot surgery and still on pain meds (aka, not able to write coherently) I will get to read a lot. I'm being presented at Grand Rounds on thursday to the orthopedic team, since this surgery will be a doozy. Awesome.

Things I am Loving Lately

Life has been hectic. Between my internship ending, getting more freelance work, looking for a full-time position while juggling part-time jobs/projects….never enough time in the day. But I do have a few things I am loving right now, which help me relax and give me some much needed enjoyment.

1. The Rockabye Baby CD series. Lisa Roth, David Lee Roth's sister, created this group of CDs, a lullaby version of rock songs. I am listening to the Rolling Stones one as I write this, and am loving it. Other great ones are Michael Jackson, Eminem, and the White Stripes. I am jonesing for the Madonna one, Bob Marley, Nirvana, Journey, and of course, Van Halen (hey, they have Jamie's Cryin'!). Check out their website, and if you head on over to New York Family Magazine's website, I interviewed Lisa, who was fabulous and so great to chat with.

2. Virginia Woolf's "A Writer's Diary." Finally getting to this. I love reading that she also had doubts about her writing, and enjoying the glimpse I am getting into her life.

3. My Intuitive Doula training. It's going slow, but I am loving the reading and the Facebook student group page - great comments and discussions, and it's really making me happy. I'm glad I went with a distance option because I can do it on my own time, around my writing projects, while still getting support when needed.

4. My niece and nephew, of course.

5. CocoProtein coconut water with added protein. The vanilla and chocolate ones are fabulous, and for vegetarians, they have protein and vitamins.

I'm so glad the weather is turning cooler. Fall is my favorite season. Bring on the hot apple cider!

Take Four

So. It looks like I will most likely be having a fourth surgery on my left foot. I called several doctors at HSS today and waiting for them to get back to me. Apparently I have two broken screws in my foot and "post-surgical changes." Awesome. I cannot even imagine what this corrective surgery will entail, or the subsequent pain and recovery. Not only will it be a repair of the bunion that has recurred, but taking out the screws and somehow fixing the mess that is my foot. At this point, I just hope I have a toe/foot left at the end of all this. I have a feeling this is probably the end of my running days. So much for doing soccer this fall.

Writing is going well. Exhausting. Freelancing is kind of like a never-ending race, because you're constantly looking for another project because you don't know when you'll need it. Add looking for a full-time job, and it's stress city. But that's pretty much the theme for my generation right now, I think.
Studying for doula training (Intuitive Doula) is going well. I've been working on the first Module and reading the books, and I'm pretty excited.

I just read Belzhar, by Meg Wolitzer. It comes out in September, and though it's categorized as Young Adult, I think it stands on its own as simply a novel for adults, too. I think it's one of my favorite books ever. Magical realism, Sylvia Plath, self-discovery, writing - it has it all, and it's done well.
FINALLY finished Infinite Jest. All 1079 pages of it. I'm not sure I can explain how I liked it, but the writing was excellent, and DFW was truly talented and a genius. Who knows what he would have done as the years go by.

I'm back!

Alright! I'm back! Things were super crazy for a while. Moving, not sure if I was staying in NYC, not wanting to stay in NYC (still not wanting to stay in NYC), job searching, etc etc. Right now I am writing for a magazine, doing freelance writing/editing, working as a research assistant for two writers, and will be teaching a writing workshop in the fall.
Trying to keep NC homesickness at bay, can you tell?

Oh - and perhaps the thing I am most excited about, I am studying to get my doula certification. I'm going through Intuitive Doula. (NOT Intuitive Childbirth, which is a scam). I liked ID because you get trained as both a birth and postpartum doula, and the wide range of books that are required reading is much better than the narrower focus of some other programs. I like the holistic approach they take. It's distance, but it looks hard and intense already! Looking forward to it though.

So I'm very busy, but trying to stay afloat in the big dirty city. I can't believe summer is halfway over!

Things I'm Reading:
Infinite Jest - DFW
More, Now, Again - Elizabeth Wurtzel
Spiritual Midwifery - Ina May Gaskin

THREE YEARS

DUDE. Things have been crazy busy. BUT - thesis is turned in. And ironically, three years ago today, I got the phone call that I was accepted into Columbia's MFA program. OH THE IRONY. Job interviews are happening. Life is happening. Editing gigs are happening. So keep your fingers crossed that things are panning out. And if I happen to (gulp) happen to stay in the Empire State, so be it. But at least I will earn enough money to visit my peeps in Chapel Hill often. :) The weather has been completely shitty. My LLBean boots have been getting so much use, not to mention my pink Dora Docs. Last friday I found a pair of red shiny Doc Martens on sale at Harry's Shoes for $29!!! You can bet I scooped those babies up. It made me so so so happy.

I spent a large chunk of change on an online class through LitReactor to take a class with Lidia Yuknavitch, but I can honestly say it's been worth every penny so far. It's a 6 or 7 week class, and when I say I've never been challenged like this before, I mean NEVER. EVen at Columbia, I have never had such thought-provoking, soul-searching, earnest lectures like the ones Lidia gives, not to mention the homework she assigns us. It's a real challenge. You can't bullshit your way though it. And my peers in the class? I am astounded by their graciousness, their sensitivity, and their tact on critiquing when something needs work. No egos here. No bloodbath like in an MFA classroom. Makes me wonder if I could have saved thousands of dollars and just taken class after class on LitReactor for two years and put together my own reading list during that time. But, what's done is done. I don't regret spending the money. And If - when - I get a full time job - I want to continue taking these online writing classes to keep my writing sharp. I didn't get to take fiction and poetry classes at Columbia, so these are a great way to expose myself to them. I am a lucky girl. And very thankful. Of course, I'm hoping my tax refund covers what I spend (and then some, which would be nice).

I've been loving my tote bags lately. I got a Strand x Kate Spade one. But I often find them a little too small. Maybe because I carry a ton of shit with me. Especially since I decided to start the behemoth of a book Infinite Jest. I mean, 1079 pages? Come on, DFW. I need two bookmarks for this bitch of a book - one for the story, one for the footnotes. It better be good. I have stacks of books waiting to be read. PLus job searching and apps, getting my manuscript written and finished for Rhonda, figuring out what I want to do with my life, hoping I don't become infertile in the next few years, you know, the usual.

Latest obsessions: tote bags, Alex & Ani bangles, bullet earrings, scarves, Docs, Our Lady of Guadelupe bracelets (and I'm Jewish, go figure), Kanken backpacks, naps, bracelets, Reading Rainbow

New Year.

Wow, it's been a while. I've been busy and stressed. I managed to read 318 books in 2013, which could either mean I'm a really fast, amazing reader, or I have no life. You choose. Winter break was good, I got to spend time in North Carolina and Chapel Hill, and as usual, I'm missing it like crazy.

There's less than two months until my thesis is due, and I've been busy doing some freelance editing, tutoring, book reviewing, and applying for jobs. Oh yeah, and reading, of course. :)  Something tells me that with all the work I have to do, and all the anxiety I have, that I won't be getting much sleep in the next two months. Or really, until I get a job. But, in the wise words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I won't think of it now. I'll think of it when I can stand it."

I read The Goldfinch at the end of last year, and loved it - I don't think there's any way the story could have been shorter, and still be that amazing. I'm reading Lee Smith's "Guests on Earth" right now, and though she can basically do no wrong, this book is especially wonderful. Set at Highland Hospital in Asheville, NC in the 1930s and 40s, it is a historical fiction hybrid, telling the story of a girl named Evaline who befriends Zelda Fitzgerald, who later died in the fire at the hospital. She also examines how, even back then, women who didn't conform - who were just too MUCH of anything - were seen as ill and needing to be reformed. I'm really loving it. I've also been reading a lot of the classics I missed out on - Brave New World, Lord of the Flies, etc. And I'm pretty much loving everything on Hawthorne Books' website.

So yeah. I'm still alive, sluggin' it out in NYC.

book review: The Mary Smokes Boys

So. It's been quite a while. I've been busy writing, fighting off colds and the general malaise that comes with turning the clocks back, etc. I've been reading a lot, too - my goal is to break 400 books by the end of the year, and I have a little more than 100 books to go.....

One of my favorite publishers is Hawthorne Books. Their books are a distinct rectangular shape, with heavy, thick, beautifully done covers with inside flaps, and they always smell good. Oh, come on - if you're a booknerd you KNOW you smell new books. But more than that, I can honestly say I have yet to read a Hawthorne book I don't like. The thoughtfulness with which they are chosen is clear. The writing is intelligent and fierce, the characters are vibrant, the memoirs are heartbreakingly beautiful. Really looking forward to allll the books coming out, especially "I loved you more" and Ariel Gore's memoir. I want to read ALL THE BOOKS.

I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of the book The Mary Smokes Boys, by Patrick Holland, which comes out early next year. The first thing I noticed about the writing is how lyric, how poetic it is. The prose dances on the page: "...He watched wet oats and feathertop glinting in the broken light..." This is a story about a brother and sister, Grey North and Irene North. Their mother died in childbirth and their father comes and goes and is a drunk. Mary Smokes is a small town, with many people working with horses. The book unfolds over years, following both Grey and Irene as they navigate growing up, and watching Grey protect his sister because there is no one else to do so. Each character in the book is so richly drawn that the layers of stories never feel confusing or like too much; rather, they pull the reader in and demand you become part of them. Without giving anything away, I can say that I was devastated at the end of the book. I did not see that plot twist coming, and had to put down the book for a minute because it was so unnerving. I wanted to stay with the Norths forever.

One thing I'm loving right now....

So it's the end of September, National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. The bag company LeSportsac put out a print called Hope Rose, and the proceeds from it went to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.

These bags are made of this indestructible nylon, are easy to clean, and last forever. I have several over the years, and they're well worth the money -- and they're not even that expensive. I am loving the enamel teal ribbon keychain -- you can put it on any bag you happen to be wearing, or add it to your keys.

But with October starting tomorrow, and we all know what that means -- pink, pink, and more pink -- let's not forget about breast cancer's cousin cancer, ovarian cancer. It's deadly, silent, and we are lacking even a screening tool, let alone better, less toxic, more effective drugs to kill the disease. Let's raise money and awareness all year long, not just in September.

fall = frustration?

It's been a while since I've posted....life's been busy. My beautiful niece was born in late July, and I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to write. And honestly, I've been trying not to let customers get to me as much as they were. It's hard though. The lack of basic manners never, ever fails to irk me. I get very irritated. It takes two seconds to say "please" or "thank you." You gain nothing by being demanding or demeaning to a shop worker. I just don't get it.

There was a woman today who was not only condescending while looking for books, but when she went to pay, didn't like the manufacturer's sticker on the back of the book. We cover the price with our sticker, but she didn't understand that we couldn't take off the manufacturer's sticker because it would rip the cover of the book. She started getting irate, her daughter was like, mom, calm down. I said that I doubt the child would mind, and she got all huffy and said SHE would mind. Come on. It is a sticker on the back of a book jacket. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. Chill out. She even grabbed the book out of my co-worker's hands and I thought things were going to get physical. This woman was a trip. The daughter must have been used to this, because she hustled her mother out quickly.

Then - and I know I may get flack for this - there was the woman who came in wanting books on transgender issues for a second grader. My first thought was, hmmm, that's a bit young, no? I mean, we have "My Princess Boy" and all that, but my gut reaction is just, why bring this into childhood so young? Just let the kid do what they want and be a child for a bit longer. We had books for teens, but the mom voted them down. Okay, but if you're bringing that topic up, obviously you think your child is mature enough to talk about and grapple with this....so....I'm not sure what level you're looking for.

I just wish everything were simpler. Things seem like they were simpler when I was a kid. No "special topics" section, we read the classics, I went to a private school where everyone's parents wanted them to be successful but I don't remember anyone's parents pushing them like these parents do. And for Christ's sake, people, don't take yourselves so seriously! I mean, really. None of this is a life or death situation. I promise. Much of these are serious #firstworldproblems of the highest degree. I hate to break it to you, but no one outside Manhattan really cares about your child's 40k per year grade school. Most people probably think it's ridiculous. How did we get to this place?