dragonflies and butterflies.

You know, ever since I made the decision to write, things have been sort of falling into place. I'm almost afraid to write that, for fear things will start to go wrong. But it's true. It's scary - I don't know what to expect, but I also have this sense of calm that things will be okay. I have dreams every night, with the thread of what are you doing??? You don't think you can ACTUALLY write, do you? Who the hell do you think you are? running through them. I wake up panicked, but feeling excited and inspired. I don't want to sound New Agey or anything, but I think the energy around me is just different - I don't have that constant anxiety of test grades hanging over me, or the sense of failure that I had with science. It's this eerie sense of calm. And though I'm afraid the other shoe will drop, someone said to me that inevitably, it will, because we need both feet to keep on walking.

And to continue the New Agey stuff, ever since I made the decision to write, I've been seeing tons of butterflies and dragonflies. Everywhere. Dragonflies are a symbol of change, of transformation, as are butterflies. I'm sure there's probably a scientific reason for this, or maybe I'm just noticing them more, but it sure seems odd when I'm sitting at a stop light and a dragonfly hovers in front of my windshield.

Of course, perhaps the other shoe has already dropped. My foot surgery might be a "failed surgery". I am seeing another orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion. Needless to say, that wasn't what I wanted to hear from my physical therapist yesterday. And though I was very upset and crying and felt pretty devastated, I know in the grand scheme of things, this is minor. I have my health, my family is well, and my nephew is wondrous. What more could I ask for?