weighing in.

Quick, how much do you weigh? How many calories have you consumed today? What do you see when you look in the mirror?

If you're a woman, you likely know the answersto the first two questions. As for the third, that's between you and your reflection. But as someone who has paid particular attention to the first two for years, I feel the need to comment. I realized how far I'd come when my roommate was talking about how she's gained 5 lbs and is upset, etc. I asked her how her clothes fit, and said that numbers mean nothing, that how your clothes fit and how you feel is a much better barometer of health.

I wasnt always like this, believe me. In college I was part of a sorority that was known for its "pretty" girls - although we also had the highest GPA year after year, but somehow that paled when compared to our looks. Was there pressure to look good? Of course, but I think that was prevalent on the whole campus. I will say, though, that I went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 in less than a year, and hollowed out my bagels for the remainder of college. It was years before I ate a full bagel, with the insides NOT scooped out. I never met the criteria for an eating disorder, but I definitely had disordered eating. But then again, so did every one of my friends. Unfortunately, this continued for years, although to a lesser degree as time went on.

The past few years have been great for me. I love North Carolina, I feel like I am finally finding my way (most of the time), and I feel healthy. But the 8 or so months has been the most transformative.

When I made the choice to train for the triathlon, I knew that I would have to give up much of my restrictions on various foods. I knew that I would have to eat more to sustain that level of activity. But in my heart, I knew it was the right choice for me. And so I ate. I ate peanut butter, nuts and grains, fats, carbs -- and started training. And lo and behold, my weight has evened out and I honestly, honestly, honestly, don't think about what I eat to the degree that I did. My main focus is getting the nutrients I need for my workout and training schedule. And since I have started training, have I gained weight? I honestly don't know the answer. I make the conscious choice not to weigh myself; I don't even have a scale. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and I have been lifting weights and training and building muscle. I know that I look leaner. But I also look powerful and athletic. At least, I think I do. I wear tight yoga pants and crops to the gym because I know that I'll bust out with a 20 mile bike ride there and feel good about my body as I walk back to the locker room. Standing in front of the mirror in the weight area, my focus isn't on my hips; it's on my biceps as I curl the weights, seeing visible muscles contracting.

And if someone doesn't like what they see? Too bad for them. I'll kick their butt at the finish line.

Is this simply a product of getting older and maturing? Maybe. Is this a product of training for an endurance sport that I never dreamed I would do? Maybe. Or maybe it was simply time to stop wasting brain power and energy on fitting into a number, on fitting into what the beauty myth dictated I should be. Seriously. How much energy are women putting into getting thinner, when they could be thinking of ways to cure ALS? Or help little kids? Or succeed at their schoolwork?

It's not easy. I know this. But I also know that the rewards are sweeter than any number on the scale or size jeans you fit into.