a sweet and sour way to begin the Jewish new year.

Happy Rosh Hashanah! It is the Jewish New Year and I am very thankful for the people in my life. Though my life right now is not exactly as I imagined it would be, I am hoping that this year will bring me a purpose, and help me find my way. I hope that I am able to build upon my faith this year. Right now, I'm not so sure. I am a person of science, which makes it a little difficult to fully be a person of faith (for me, anyway), yet I cannot shake the belief that there is something more, like a Higher Power, or G-d. Honestly, though, sometimes I feel like he's got a whole hell of a lot of explaining to do.

It is hard for me to watch someone who is very ill, and believe that G-d will heal her. Last time I checked, he wasn't in the chemotherapy suite. It is hard for me to share that faith and fully understand it. My instinct is to find the best damn doctor there is, in the best facility, and fight like hell through surgery and chemo and whatever needs to be done. I don't count on miracles. I can't. Do I pray? Yes, I do. But do I believe that that is enough? Not a chance. To me, it's like that story where the guys are stranded in a flood or something, and the one guy keeps saying, "G-d will save me, G-d will save me", and he dies -- and when he meets G-d, he says, "Why didn't you save me?" And G-d replies, "I sent you a plane, a raft, etc etc". Sure, believe in whoever you want to believe in, whatever religion works for you -- but don't use that as an excuse to be passive. Especially when you're in the fight of your life, literally.

And you know what? Maybe that belief system works for me. It makes it easier to deal with cancer. Just focus on the rogue cells that are multiplying out of control, and focus on what needs to be done and what can be done. I can't focus on the "why her" thoughts, or be angry at G-d, because in my mind, it has nothing to do with him - it's pure science. I struggle with issues of faith constantly; maybe that is an occupational hazard of being in the healthcare field. I don't know. Maybe it's the result of 9 years of religious private school. Maybe it's just the result of being overanalytical and obsessive. There are no right or wrong answers to this, and Lord knows, we could talk about this forever and still have a billion different opinons and answers and options. This one's mine, for now.

There are times - and this is one of them - when I wonder about my ability to work in oncology. I love the field, don't get me wrong. But I also take it very hard when I can't "save", or even help people. I take it hard when I watch people ignore factual advice and receive sub-par care that will hasten their demise. It is hard for me to look sickness in the face sometimes. It is hard when I have done all I can do and have to sit back and do nothing. It is hard to face the limits of medicine, in a nutshell. Does everyone in oncology go through this?