strong in the broken places.

Things have been busy. I got the part-time job I interviewed for at the UNC School of Nursing; I start next Tuesday. It's a research job working on a study of survivors of acute childhood leukemia. I think it's a great opportunity and I'm really looking forward to starting it. I need something I'm passionate about right now.

I started 2 classes - I'm not in an academic program, but I am a part-time student taking prereq's that an accelerated BSN would need. Right now, I'm not even sure my brain works this way. It's just that all the health educator jobs I saw, wanted a NURSE health educator. Didn't matter that I had my MPH; they wanted a clinical degree. I was pretty discouraged. I still look at PhD programs in health psych and public health, but not sure what path will get me to what I want to do. Which is work in oncology, doing patient advocacy and education, and psychosocial oncology research. There are just hurdles, like to do original research, in most institutions, you need a doctorate. Even lots of research jobs I saw at UNC needed a PhD. Frustrating. I think more experience working on research will help me, and these classes will let me know if my brain works in a scientific way. The PhD program at UNC that I had applied to last year seemed to incorporate it all; we all know how THAT turned out. And I didn't have the heart to apply again this year, because I hadn't done any research since then to boost my application, so I didn't think it would make a difference. If I continue to do research throughout this year, I might apply in December...but that's a long way away. Lots can change before then. I think my goal this year is to get research work experience, mainly. I guess I will reevaluate in July/August about reapplying.

The 2 classes I am taking are Anatomy & Physiology, and Medical Microbiology. They are kicking my butt. My brain is on overload. I like the material, but I've never struggled in school like this before. I never studied much before, ever. Now I'm studying for hours each day. Science requires a whole new way of thinking; the homework isn't analytical or asking how I *feel* about anything -- it's very black and white, definite right and wrong answers, and enormous amounts of information. It's like trying to take a sip of water from a firehose. I've been studying every spare minute of the day, but not sure if I'm retaining anything. We'll see, either way, I guess. I've just never felt so inept at school in my life. For someone whose identity is wrapped largely in her academic ability and achievements, this is a bitter pill to swallow.

So, we'll see. I'm just looking forward to my job, which will place me in an area I am comfortable with and knowledgeable about - pediatric cancer. It is familiar, and a passion of mine, so I think I will be okay with that.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway